Jennifer Mitton


Squash the cat, Squash the cat, Won’t be long till he gets fat, Cause we all know Mitton loves to bake, And we all know cats shouldn’t eat cake. But Squash devours more every day His appetite can’t be kept at bay The blame, however, lies with Mitton Who loves to feed her mongrel kitten. She won’t relent until the day That we can all, with confidence, say: “I know why she named him that.. …he just sat on Ian and squashed him flat”. Lemons "my name is jennius mittonus, daughter to a perfectly round headed father, girlfriend to a soon to be fat boyfriend, and owner master to a constantly warm oven, and i will have my tiffin in this life or the next" Fraser Jenny's day at the gym 00:00 - arrive at gym and realise it doesn't open for 6 hours, pound door in frustration 00:10 - cry and wee on doorstep as protest 03:00 - realise there is a 24x7 bagel shop nearby and console self with 8 supersize bagels 04:00 - take massive dump in toilet which barely scrapes round the U-Bend 06:00 - arrive first in gym with apple for teacher instructor 06:01 - begin first class 06:45 - begin second class 07:30 - begin third class 08:15 - finish class and "shower" (AKA, get slightly wet and claim to be clean) 08:15.0000005 - finish "shower" 08:15.0000006 - begin drying hair . . . . . 23:00 - end drying hair Hersey

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