Excellence is not a skill. It is an attitude. The real trouble with reality is that there’s no background music. Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life. Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them. If you think things can’t get worse it’s probably only because you lack sufficient imagination. Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway. Anyone who uses the phrase “easy as taking candy from a baby” has never tried taking candy from a baby. Every rule has an exception. Especially this one. To be clever enough to get all that money, one must be stupid enough to want it. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid all together. Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity. If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? Quitters never win, winners never quit, but those who never win and never quit are idiots. To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost. Falling down is not defeat. Defeat is when your refuse to get up . The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra. Behind every successful woman… is a basket of dirty laundry. If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Spouse: someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single If you want to forget all your other troubles, wear too tight shoes. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups!!! Make akward sexual advances – not war. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak No amount of belief makes something a fact. Prejudice is one of the most stupid things on earth because there are so many perfectly good reasons to dislike people on an individual basis Don’t believe anything until it has been officially denied. Never argue with an idiot, they drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away... and barefoot! Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional! I am cleverly disguised as a responsible adult! SCIENTOLOGY – making celebrities pay for God since 1954. There's too much blood in my caffeine system! Minds are like parachutes – they only function when open! Too many freaks, not enough circuses. People who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do. Don’t panic. Count to ten…then panic. Rehab is for quitters! It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable. Insanity is hereditary, you get it from your kids. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. Stop global warming, we need ice for the party! ROCK is dead – long live PAPER SCISSORS! Silence is golden – duck tape is silver!