life's little realities that just crack me up: Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film. Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings. Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.